Monday, May 5, 2008

It's amazing how much can change in a year's time. I'm looking at my entries as close as I can from today from last year. It's odd how something that's so important to you one day can be ripped from your arms and be gone the next. Something that's so vastly important in your life that you cannot possibly comprehend living without it, and the next day, you find that yes, indeed, the world does still turn without that valuable something.

My mother passed from this world on April 28th, 2008. In addition to the pulmonary hypertension I believe I mentioned in my last entry, she also went into renal failure caused by an infection that had made its way into her blood and spread throughout her organs. That was the longest month of my life and her final five hours of life, the most terrifying I've ever had to experience. I know that she's all right now, and I can feel her with me at times, so I'm not so sad. I do miss her dearly, but I know that I've got to go on.

I pray that you never have to watch someone breathe their last breaths. I pray that you never have to watch someone cry out and scream with fear during their final hours. I pray you never have to go through the false hope of having her continue breathing for just long enough for things to be okay and to go back to the way they were. I pray.

I am sad, yes. But I'm handling it a lot better than I thought that I would. I did a lot of my crying and grieving a few weeks ago when things initially started going downhill and again when we knew that we were running out of options. But when you take a look at Death, you can look at it a few different ways: You can look at it and see that you're losing someone dear to your heart and knowing that they're never going to be in your life again, which will undoubtedly leave a huge hole in your heart, or you can look at it from their perspective. You can look at it and see that they're not truly gone. You can look at it and see that instead of your loss you should be mourning, it's their gain you should be celebrating. Especially if they were in pain. I think it's selfish to mourn my loss, so I try to think of all the amazing things that she has right now, and that makes me happy. She's no longer confined to the ties of this world and can do anything she wants now. That makes me happy.

Dad and I are getting along fine on our own so far. He just went back to work today, and I go back on Thursday. We've still got a ton of leftover food from her funeral (which was actually really awesome. We had a mile-and-a-half caravan to the gravesite, 102 corvettes in all. Wicked awesome), and we're still trying to get rid of it. I've gained about 10 pounds in the last month just from food being there all the time. When I've got to start doing the shopping, that's gonna change, and quick.

I'm not quite sure what else to say, so I won't. Um... take care and love you all!

~analoren

LINK OF THE DAY: [link] <= Poseidon Academy RPG. I just started playing. I'm not gonna say who, but it's a ton of fun so far!

_______________________________________________________
CLUBS
_______________________________________________________